25 Things My Dad Taught Me

As a little girl, I was daddy’s little princess. Looking back at home videos, it amazes me how happy I made him, like a little kid on Christmas morning. Now that I’m older, we have a tricky relationship but when everything is pushed aside he is still my hero and I am still his baby girl. Here is a man that was once a young boy himself and grew up to have his own kids and did everything in his power to make our lives perfect with love. Father’s aren’t just born, men grow into them and it’s a very important stage of their development. As my mother always tried to protect my siblings and me from the world, my father threatened us with it as we grew up. We aren’t kids anymore he would tell us; the real world is not all rainbows and ponies. For that I thank him, because I was ready to face it as an adult. He was not perfect, but nobody is. At the end of the day, he was always careful where he’d walk knowing well that his children would follow his footsteps. In honour of father’s day that was this past Sunday, here is a list of 25 things I learned from daddy dearest.

1. Be present.

I had too many friends that grew up without a father and I could never imagine any universe in which my father would leave my siblings and me. He was always at work as my mother would stay at home with us kids and my grandmother but as soon as we would hear that door open in the evening we knew daddy’s home and nothing made us more excited. The feeling was always mutual and until this day my little sister does the same thing when he walks in, and seeing him smile and yell out ‘hey baby!’ warms my heart because it was only ten years ago he would say the same to me. On his only day off every week he would take us out as a family. Whenever he would take a little well deserved vacation of his own (always to Cuba, his favourite) he would call every single day simply to tell us he’s ok and to know that we’re ok as well. Sometimes that’s all it takes – two seconds of a “hi how are you” to remind the other person you love them and miss them. Becoming a dad is easy; we all know how that works. But actually being one is tough, and to the men that are present fathers in all senses – physically, mentally, and emotionally – you’re all rock stars.

2. Capture every moment.

Invest in a good camera and snap every single moment. My dad would make us stop and smile at everything and anything that looked like it was picture worthy and we would always moan and groan because it was getting excessively annoying. As I got older I realized why he did it and became the same way. There’s something special about holding on to memories and one thing I have learned about living with a grandmother with Alzheimer’s is that when your brain can’t hold on to memories anymore, those excessive photos will make all the difference.

3. Give your kids choices.

He always voiced his opinion on everything, told me when he approved or thought I was doing something ridiculous, but in the end I always had my choices and his unconditional support. Unlike my mom, he allowed us to make mistakes and learn from them. We never got away with stupidity and faced consequences if needed, but it allowed us to learn the difference between good and bad choices for the future.

4. Letting people walk all over you isn’t a virtue so stand up for yourself and demand respect.

My dad and I rarely agree on things politically and hold different viewpoints on many things but we respectfully disagree and move on with life. He blames it on the ignorance of my age and generation; I blame it on the ignorance of his age and his generation. Regardless, he raised me to always stand my ground. Even as I watch him now and the way he runs his business, he will never lose his set of values nor will he ever let anyone disrespect him. The way I see it, if he didn’t hold his ground the way he did, he would not have made it as far as he has and there is so much to respect in that.

5. Be with someone you don’t want to disappoint because of your love and respect for them.

There is something to be said about people that want to make you proud because of their love and respect for you and vice versa. If I ever screwed up I always worried my dad would think differently of me. He never did but no matter what I always wanted his approval.

6. Have a sense of humour, be able to take a joke and laugh at yourself.

I have a very dry humour and am extremely sarcastic, tending to make a joke in every situation. I get this from my father. Without a sense of humour you will not get along with either of us. It is beyond important to enjoy life and be able to laugh at yourself. Not everything is meant to be taken seriously. Not everything in life is offending and hell even when they are – laugh a bit! It’s good for you and beyond liberating.

7. Be a strong and independent woman.

I had a job since I was fourteen and never asked my parents for money since. The only fights I’d have with him about money was that I work too much and I should take his money sometimes because that is what he’s there for. Nevertheless, I never did. I saw the way my mother lived and I knew that I never wanted to be a person dependent on others. Whenever I’d ask him for help he would tell me or show me how, expecting me to know how to do it on my own for next time. He wanted me to be independent as much as I wanted it for myself. Recently I let him do more things for me just to remind him that no matter how strong and independent I am, I’m still his little girl and will always need him.

8. Expect nothing less than equality

If a guy could do it then so could I. This was a challenge all the time. He never let me belittle myself or give less than my all just because I was a girl. I grew up to be a feminist because of it, and although he now gets annoyed by the feminist rants I go on occasionally, I know he’s proud he raised me as a proud and strong woman.

9. No pressures to get married, have kids, or buy house. Just do good, be happy and the rest will find its way.

While I hear my mom nagging me to get into the dating scene, settle down and have a family my dad would always tell her to leave me alone because I have an education and career to focus on. Furthermore, that I have a life to focus on and whatever happens happens but there is no need to ever rush into a relationship because I feel pressured.

10. Family comes first.

Always. No ifs and or buts. If your family needs you, you are there for them unconditionally. When I was choosing where to go to university, I desperately wanted to move away for school. Instead, I stayed for my little siblings because it was a time they needed me greatly. My little brother and sister are my biggest motivation for everything, they are my heart and soul, and it boggles everyone’s mind that I live for my family the way I do. I learned the importance of family from my father. His mother, my grandmother, lives with us until this day even through her dementia. I was raised in a family that takes care of each other under all circumstances.

11. Hard work pays off

He started his own business and I watched him build it and succeed. He taught me that good things will never come to people that are lazy and expect good things to fall on their lap. He would always push me to work harder. I got my fair share of yells because he thought I was sitting around lazily. It made me the hard working and driven person I am today so although I’ll never admit it to him, I am very grateful for all the times he told me I was lazy and useless for sitting around doing nothing.

12. Save money

Of all my friends, I am the best with money and they always ask how. I learned from the best about banking, budgeting, saving, and lots more. I also learned the importance of money very young and because of it I never expected brand name clothes when I was younger.  I found no value in a plain white t-shirt being ten times the price because of the brand name on the tag.

13. Being selfless

My dreams became more important than his and I don’t know how to repay him for that even though he wouldn’t want me to anyway.

14. Tough love and actions meaning more than words

There are millions of ways to let someone know that you love them. He would always tell me to take a coat when it was cold, ask me if I needed money, see what I wanted from the store, bring home groceries, or take us out. Along with all that, his immense pride and joy of spending time with us always showed. Sometimes I wish we had a more lovey dovey relationship but we never did, not since I was very young. He taught me tough love and it’s the same way I have learned to love. Some say it’s not ideal but the people I love know that I love them and don’t need to constantly hear me say it.

15. Learn how to fix things yourself, know the basics and be competent with tools, computers, appliances, and cars.

Once again, equal. We no longer live in a time where this is only a guy’s job to be competent with. If an appliance in the house was broken, it’s my job to figure out how to fix it. If the computer was acting up, it was my job once again. A girl should know how to change her tire in an emergency he would tell me, and although I haven’t nailed that one yet, I’ll get to it.

16. Always offer your help, do things for others without expecting to be paid back

Kindness should not be based on who is watching or the recognition you get. I have watched him help so many people out of the genuine person he is and it has made my heart just as kind. The truest show of character is what a person does for those who cannot do anything for them in return.

17. Be a leader

I’m the oldest of three so it was always drilled to me that I was the leader of the pack. I resented this a million ways when I just wanted to have fun and party. However, because of this I matured faster and have led the way for two little siblings that are following my footsteps proudly. It has helped me in school and work as well, but mostly in life. I have learned so much leadership qualities from my father and know full well if I ever do run my own boat I will do a darn good job at it.

18. Be dependable, you are only as good as your word

I am that person that people know they could call in a crisis and I will be there. I get that dependability from my dad. He’s an amazing person and always jumps oceans for people, and I do the same. He also told me to know my worth though, and the second someone takes advantage of how dependable I am and takes my kindness for weakness – don’t let that slide. He taught me how important it was to be a good friend and care for others – one of my biggest life lessons: wait and never drive away until your friends gets inside their house safely.

19. Be appreciative, be thankful

If I ever complained about the food on our table, I would hear a handful of angry words from my dad about the times that all they had on their table was bread, butter, and water and they were beyond grateful for it. I would also be threatened to get shipped off to a third world country if my entitled ass didn’t shut her whiney mouth. Needless to say, I count my blessings every night because I know how incredible my life is even in hard times, I know I am blessed.

20. Be kind, smile, and say hello especially to those who probably get overlooked

As someone who runs a business he is required to be nice to his clients for business. But he acts this way always. At restaurants he always speaks to the waitress and is friendly, when speaking to customer service reps he always asks them how their day is before he continues. He taught me a smile goes a long way and a friendly hello could change someone’s entire day and that makes all the difference.

21. Forgive others

Not just for them, but for you, your soul and your sanity. Forgiveness is so important. If you have to forget right after then be it, but nonetheless, forgive.

22. How to argue and express anger

Although he got better through the years, he along with my mother had issues with their anger and their lack of controlling it. Here is one thing I learned from him not because he portrayed it but because he showed me the opposite of how I wanted to be and the opposite of how I wanted the guy I would date to be when he is upset. Kids learned by example but they also have a choice whether to accept or reject the examples laid out for them. I know how much he wishes he had a better temper, he has mentioned it many times, but I’ve learned that crazy is crazy and some bad traits of ours are genetic and we have to work on greatly. This specific genetic trait went on to me and I do everything in my power every day to work on my temper, my patience, and my anger.

23. Gifts are nice but not necessary

He taught me that although giving gifts could be nice, material objects don’t mean much. Furthermore, anything he wanted he got himself so I never knew what I could possibly buy him for father’s day or for birthdays. I have stuck with cologne sets for years and it seems to work.

24. Pride reinforces love

Even when I wasn’t doing perfect things, he showed so much pride for me and it always reinforced his love. He taught me that someone that isn’t proud of me and proud to be with me is not worth my time and does not genuinely love me. This advice has saved me from a handful of crappy relationships and I thank him endlessly.

25. At the end of the day, he’s the boss and what he says goes.

But that’s all fathers right?

It’s For You

I was thirteen when someone very close and dear to me was ready to give up – ready to leave behind their whole life and not wake for another day. Here we are seven years later and I remember this day vividly, like it was yesterday. It was a traumatizing and painful experience but what pains me today the most is my reaction to it. My anger and disgust towards her. How could she possibly be so selfish to leave just like that? How could she be so stupid to think that this would solve everything? How could she do this to me and everyone that loves her? Why would she even do this? Nothing made sense. Nothing.

I wish I could say that when by some miracle she made it because she was found and brought in on time, that I felt joy and relief. That my heart was filled with love and happiness and that all anger was gone. I wish I could say that I understood. I wish I could say that I ran up to her with open arms and a smile, held her hand and told her it was all going to be ok – that she had my love and support unconditionally. I wish I could say that why she did what she did made even a little bit of sense to me. But I can’t say any of that.

Most of all, I wish I could say I knew it was depression and I understood that she was sick and I could not blame her for this. But when you’re thirteen, the ignorance of your teenage years doesn’t always allow you to think about others. And all I thought about was how could she have put me through that. For years I was upset. Years. And then one day I turned around and became an advocate for mental health. Because finally, I understood.

So to all those suffering from a mental illness, this is for you.

It’s for you to remember that you are deserving of your own love.

It’s for you to remember that you are so accustomed to yourself that you don’t know how truly spectacular you may look in a stranger’s eyes. And being beautiful is most important within – being true to yourself. Acceptance from other’s isn’t necessary, as long you accept yourself.

It’s for you to remember that you have to allow yourself to accept compliments. I know it’s tough for you to hear and believe kind words coming from another individual but allow it. Accept it. Let their words give you some happiness, if even for a second. You never know, maybe they are feeling just as down and putting a smile on your face is the only thing that will put a smile on theirs.

It’s for you to remember that the monsters poisoning your mind are hiding in your head and heart and are working full force to break you. You can’t let it. Make those monsters powerless. Those monsters are making you sick, and it’s an enemy you can’t turn your back on. Please do not lose your battle with these monstrous demons. It may never go away but I believe in your strength, you could fight back. Do not let them poison your mind until they trick the good and worthy person you are into genuinely believing that you are worthless because you are not. You are worthy.

It’s for you to remember that it’s not just your successful and proud moments that make you who you are, but it’s your failures and flaws as well. Imperfections are what makes us unique human beings. If we were all perfect there would be no room to grow and improve. We need our flaws and imperfections and we need to embrace them. We need to know that it’s ok to have them. Failure is nothing to be ashamed of.

It’s for you to remember that you always have to move forward. Relationship gone bad? Unhappy? Overweight? Feeling ugly? Lost your job? Feeling overly anxious about your upcoming exams? Fighting with loved ones? Having a generally sucky day? Week? Month? Maybe just a crappy year? I can’t tell you that you’ll wake up in the morning and all will be fixed but I can promise you this. There is always something else to make up for what is making you unhappy at that moment. You may have lost everything but you’re still alive. You still exist. And that means you still have infinite potential to keep going until you hit a better day. You may feel like life is completely meaningless and I wish I could convince you otherwise. Please realize that life isn’t as bad as it may have been previously. I’m sorry if horrendous experiences have scarred you and I’m sorry that things are not always as they should be. Moments of unhappiness will spring, but moments of happiness will arise just the same. Make an attempt to breathe, ignore that negativity, and cherish life as a whole and your existence. Look past today, look past the moment – see where you could be and run for that vision. And if you trip, take someone’s hand and allow them to help you get up. It’s ok to need other people. And once they’ve lifted you up, keeping running for it. And maybe even take that person for the run with you. I would run breathlessly with you and I would do it over and over again if you need me to.

It’s for you to remember that you are never alone. It’s hard to open up to others and let them in, trust me, I know. Nothing hurts more than having someone walk away from your life, taking a part of yourself with them. But you have to take those chances. Tell someone that you’re breaking, please. You just may discover they are broken too and together you can lighten one another’s loads and pick up the pieces together. Open up to your family and friends, even if they think you have it all together. especially when they think that because that is when they won’t expect it. That is when they won’t know that they have to reach out to you. It’s hard to admit you’re falling apart but please do. It will make all the difference having someone share this with you. You may think that sharing your struggles will burden everyone else but believe me when I say that nothing will burden them more than knowing that you suffered all this alone until one day, you just could no longer take the pain anymore.

It’s for you to remember that there are so many great things about you. There’s some things that no one will ever be able to do like you do. You are you and there’s nothing more special. Accept yourself. Once you’re gone there will be nobody that could take your special place, so keep that place. Keep it and hold it tight, making sure that you live a full life. A long life.

It’s for you to remember that insults, criticism, and mean jokes should have their limits. Name-calling hurts and it’s hard to ignore them. It’s hard to keep going at times, carrying cruel words and opinions about yourself over your head. Yell them out, yell them in my ear. Maybe some of those names could apply to me. I’ll share the insults with you. We’ll balance out that weight. Please. Share how you feel with someone. And to the person that called you fat, or ugly, or an idiot – tell them how you feel too. Tell them that their words matter and they should use their words to better the world, not make it more painful. Words matter more than we realize at times and they could really hurt without us even knowing. Use them wisely.

It’s for you to remember that although you cannot change or forget the past, you can move on from it and make a better future. A future so spectacular that there would be no need to dwell on the past once you’re there – you only ponder about it when you’re sharing your stories with others who went through the same thing. You could change someone’s life sharing your stories. Yeah, YOU. You could save somebody too.

It’s for you to remember that someone out there, somewhere, loves you. That someone will be incredibly wounded with your loss because you matter so much to them. They won’t be mad at you for being scared or sad or broken. They won’t be mad that you need help. It’s ok to need help. They will love to help you. You matter to people you aren’t even aware of. You are loved.

It’s for you to remember that everything you are feeling, you are allowed to feel it. It’s human and it’s ok.

It’s for you to remember that unfortunately there is a stigma attached to your illness. People tend to dismiss it because they don’t understand and they aren’t aware of how severe your illness is. Together, we all have to get rid of this stigma. And you have to be a part of that. But first, you have to reach out and get better yourself because you will make a difference once you do. I’m sorry if you feel like you are trapped in a small room that is slowly filling up with water, leaving you gasping for breathe – drowning slowly. But there is an escape to that room. Somewhere, somehow. Look for it. Don’t panic. Look for that escape and once you see it start going for it. And please, I beg of you, make it in time. You are not the only one in that room. There’s others in there. And together we’ll help you find that escape. We will help you get out. We will not let you drown.

It’s for you to remember that the world will not be better without you. Nothing would be the same if you did not exist, remember that. Nothing. Despite what you think, the world needs you. Your loved ones need you. Do not leave them. You will leave them with a profound sense of loss in your absence. You are so special to so many people, please don’t forget that.

It’s for you to remember that as painful as it gets, you are not alone. You are amazing. Depression can destroy even the greatest of humans – fight it. Don’t let it dull your greatness. Keep your sparkle, you will need it in the darkness. And in your darkest moments, allow others to share their sparkle with you.

For the rest of us, it’s time to educate ourselves. Chances are we are all in contact with someone who is afraid and embarrassed of opening up to us. We have to come together and remove the stigma behind mental health. We have to spread awareness, speak about it, understand it, and support organizations that help those who suffer with it. So many people conceal what is going on within themselves, people that are giggling to our jokes but dying inside the whole time. We cannot sweep issues of mental health under the rug. We simply can’t.

Most important, this is for all of us to remember: “Be kind. For everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle” (Plato). If you have the ability to put a smile on someone’s face, and even for a second, give them a sense of joy, do that. The world needs more of that. We are all enough and we all matter so once in a while we should all just close our eyes and tell ourselves, “I love you”, and maybe, just maybe we’ll see for ourselves how lovable we really are.

NOTE: My loved one was blessed enough to be given another chance at life and I am grateful for that everyday. As I grew older and learned about the severity of mental health, I understood what she did and why. I understood that it wasn’t her fault. And today I am always by her side because I know that even once you get better, those demons are always there ready to fight you all over again. So I would also like to dedicate this to the family and friends who have lost a loved one to suicide and were not given a second chance to help. I am sorry for your losses, each and every one of you.

HELPLINE: There is always help. For my fellow Canadians, here is a tool to help you find help centres across the country: http://suicideprevention.ca/thinking-about-suicide/find-a-crisis-centre/. Please, get help – if not from a centre, then from a friend, family member, colleague, peer, or even me. You’d be surprised by how many strangers care about your well being. You are enough. You matter.